He Waits For Me

My soul has been forever grafted into the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere—Haiti.  This wasn't something I dreamed for as a little girl and honestly as a full grown adult everything about it makes ZERO sense.  Because really, look at me.  I live the 1^st world life—I’m the iPhone carrying, skinny jeans wearing, fancy chai latte drinking American girl.  I’m ALL wrong for this whole “missionary role.” 

There are days when a million things about this life of mine terrify—just like Judas; I want to kiss Jesus and run hard and far away from this crazy plan—His perfect plan for my life doesn't always seem like the best option for me.  And I know it’s downright ugly and shameful because I've seen the glory.  I've seen the beauty.  I've felt it burn with passion in every fiber of my being.  Yet still, there are moments when I’m nothing but flaky—forgetting to trust my heavenly Daddy.  How can this be?  As soon as the fire gets too hot, as soon as it feels too heavy and too hard I search for a way out.  I start asking why.    

Are you sure, God?  Because I feel like I’m failing at this every single day.  Please, God.  Just let me find You a replacement…I know lots of super holy Christian people who have it together and I’m certain they could rock this Haiti mission thing way better than myself.  I’m not Your person.  I can’t be. 

Every time I get this way, He waits for me.  

In all of His unfailing-patient-faithful-love, He waits.  

And I can’t believe how He waits. 

And I surprise myself at how hard and fast I'm running.  But He’s there and I know He’s good.  

Oh I know He loves me.  

I know He’s waiting.  

Eventually I stop running, catch my breath, and turn my eyes to the heavens.  Through surrendered tears I say okay God.  I’m here.  Send me.  Use me.  Whatever You want and however You choose to do it…I’m Yours.  Just save me from my sinful messed up flesh.  I need You!      

Haiti is a part of who I am and I know my God is with me in this.  He allowed it.  He guided me to it and even in my lame attempts to divert His purposes in my life, He continues to guide me straight through it. 

I’m going back in less than 2 weeks—13 days to be precise.  We’ll board a plane—just me and Jesus and a couple hundred pounds of supplies/Christmas gifts for Pastor Nahum’s orphans.  I seriously need this trip because for some reason I can’t see as good when I’m here and I really need to see again.  When I’m there in that broken 3^rd world everything seems to be richer and I know that sounds ridiculous.  But I suppose a soul is not rich unless she’s close to Him…she’s not rich until she can see Him.  Haiti is this place for me—the place where I see His face—the face of my Savior, my sweet Jesus shines brightly when I stare into the eyes of the orphans. 

       

Something is triggered the moment I land on Haiti soil.   All my senses become highly stimulated.  I feel, see, smell, hear, and taste the poverty of a people oppressed.  I stand there letting it soak deep down to my core and all I know to do is pray because who am I to even pretend that I can understand this kind of hurt.  Who am I to step foot on a land of suffering people with a few bags of gifts that can’t possibly go very far or last very long?  Can a smile and a word of encouragement really touch a life?  Does simple true Jesus love really make an impact? 

Strangely, it does.  And this is why I have to get back to Haiti now more than ever before.  I need to hold the children who made me first believe in something with eternal Kingdom value. Over the last 2 years this weak soul of mine has watched a mustard seed grow into a tree big enough for all the birds of the air to come and make a home.  I need to hold those kids again and remember how they launched this faith in me.  I need to remember that with God all things are possible.  Do you know faith is a powerful thing?  It’s true and it only takes the tiniest faith seedling and the next thing you know, you are forever changed.  You are staring at the glory and beauty of God’s kingdom.  You are written into His marvelous kingdom purposes.

Oh I’m dehydrated—my parched soul craves it.  I’m desperate to see again. 

Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks from this water will get thirsty again. But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again — ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life.” (John 4:13, 14)

Ayiti Cheri Mwen, map vini….My sweet Haiti, I’m coming.

Thank You, God.  Thank You for waiting for me.  Thank You for Your love.