ugly truths+ grace=God's glory

How great would it be if our lives were played like the making of a movie?  When we screw up, we could just say oops, laugh it off, and yell take 3, 4, 5, or 100.  We could re-do various scenes as many times as needed to reach perfection.  I look back on my distant past and even on my recent past and say, “ugh…that was a really stupid move!” or “what was I thinking…can I have a do-over?” 

Never once has my life been played on the film making set so never once have I been able to re-do my blunders. 

But there’s something way totally better than a do-over…it’s the blood of Jesus.  It equals forgiveness for every single past, present, and future sin I will ever have.   This blood pours out of the body of Jesus, runs down His cross, and covers my sinful heart.   His blood means I am free to die to myself and have a new life in Him.  His blood means I am presented before God pure and holy…not because I am pure and holy on my own but because His blood cleanses everything dirty in me to appear white as snow.   It’s available to everyone.  His blood is like sweet wholesome grace unleashed over anyone who will believe in Him.  How utterly humbled and eternally grateful I am to my Jesus!  I don’t need do-overs; I need the saving blood of Jesus.     

I use to think if I could rewrite my story, I’d take all the ugly parts out.  I’d tear out the pages where people hurt me.  I’d stick them in a paper shredder and as those pages were shredded into tiny pieces of confetti, I’d picture those who hurt me in my head, laugh out loud and say, “You lose…I win!”  You know, because I’m mature like that.  But I’m seeing now it’s the trials I faced on those very pages that God used to extend His grace over me…out of those hardships, God’s grace penetrated my heart and fixed things in me that were broken.  Without those trials, those broken parts would still be broken. 

I’m thinking differently now. 

Now, I look back on some of the pages in my story that I once thought were really good and completely satisfying at the time.  Mostly they were wasted days of lavishing my flesh with the pleasures the world offered me…tons of missed opportunities to have loved others like Jesus loves me.  Now, I think those would be the pages I would tear out or rewrite…but Jesus’ blood has taken care of all of that.  He even uses those pages as a testimony of His amazing grace.  They are actually super important.  Others can read them and shake their head in judgment.  But, like a perfectly happy ending to the story, God steps in and says, “This is not the end.  Look.  She was lost.  She was blind.  But I came to her rescue when she didn’t deserve it.  Now she’s found and can see.  I took her ugly truth, mixed in My grace, and made something useful for My kingdom.  I’ll do the same for you.  Look at My grace and give Me glory!”    

You should know I battle pride, selfishness, envy, and bitterness among many other sins.  Jesus cleanses me with his blood over and over and over again.  Oh the beauty of God’s grace…sweet wholesome grace…I’m dead without it.

There are shameful things that only God and my heart know about.  Things I’d never actually say out loud where people could hear.  If it were up to me, I would have eliminated any trace of these ugly truths, but that’s never an option because there is a God and He knows everything.  So, deep down I convince myself that if I keep my dirty little secrets just between God and my heart, it's as if they don't exist.  But they do exist.  They are part of my story.  It makes my stomach nauseous to even type these truths, but I need you to know because I feel God telling me if I’m going to tell my story, I have to give the true story.  Not just the pretty parts that leave me susceptible to boast in my “spiritual-ness."  Too much pretty makes me want to vomit.  I hear God telling me the more real I am the more glory He gets.  So, the true story…the part I’m certain I conveniently failed to mention, is that when I first went to Haiti…I went reluctantly.  I packed obscene amounts of personal hand sanitizer, thought about getting every shot known to prevent every single possible disease I was about to be exposed to, and signed up to go to the poor and needy.  If it weren’t for our adoption, I NEVER would have gone.  Period.  True story.  And, I’m pretty sure God wasn’t concerned with how cute my family Christmas card would look one day with a little black baby in it.  Who has ridiculous motives like that?!  More appalling truth.  And, I completely took this opportunity to appear “spiritual”...since I was actually traveling with a “missions team” I skimmed the list of religious criteria with all sorts of pride and put a big fat check next to the little square “missions trip” box.  There’s the unattractive truth. 

Where is it?  I see it.  Missions trip…Check.  Oh yeah…now I had arrived.  Whatever!

It humbles me to my knees to see how God took my sick, worldly, nasty, blinded perceptions, offered His grace, and spoke truth into my heart.  It’s total grace.  The blood of Jesus saved me to give God glory and it compels me to live a sacrificial life abandoned to the will of God.  The needy people I once turned a deaf ear to, are now part of our family.  To think I nearly missed it all…an incredibly agonizing thought.

Apart from God's grace, I miss out on this...

...and this...

...and this...

...and this.

Apart from His grace, the people of Haiti and the piece of His kingdom I now treasure in my heart would not be there.

I’m still full of broken pieces and in desperate need for God’s hand to fix me.  But, I'm believing the same grace that removed blinders in other areas will continue to show up…He is faithful to finish the good work He started in me.  For now I praise him for the pieces He has already fixed…for opening my eyes to the beauty of His kingdom found among the least of these, for revealing His heart and purposes for our adoption, and for continuing to fill me with more Jesus love.  Holy Spirit, I love You.

Oh, and stay tuned...about to reveal the beauty and details of our next trip to Nahum's Village!!